Patterns

I was fired. From my job. And it was awful. I hated that job. Hated as in nauseated every morning as I dressed. It wasn't hard, it was just a lot of "maneuvering," a lot of pretending. Introverts are not great at "maneuvering." But, I don't fail. I give up. That's my pattern. Why fail when you can give up?

My son was sick, he had an ear infection, so I called in sick. I couldn't take him to school with a fever, especially when they were the ones to discover it. I received a text back telling me to take the rest of the week off and that we'd talk on Monday. And I knew. I spent the next few days dizzy and in a fog. I felt like I was on a roller coaster, all those ups and downs. Up, up, up to the view that is at once thrilling and beautiful. And then down, so fast, down, my heart in my throat, my gut clenching. 

But I was never on a roller coaster. I had a pattern, you see. Try something and when you no longer care for it, quit. Suffer the consequences. Blame someone else, be the victim. Then repeat. That is not a rollercoaster, it's a ferris wheel. It evokes the feelings of a roller coaster, it goes up,...high, higher, it's terrifying, then it drops down and the rush goes through you, but it never changes. No surprises, no unseen turns. Up and down, over and over; a pattern. A pattern with the illusion of choice, of change. But after a time it's just going through the motions. Up, up, up and down, down, down, repeat. No turns, no hidden drops, just around and around. It's the illusion of a rollercoaster, but tucked safely inside a cage with no real risk. 

But then, I got fired. I didn't quit like I usually do. And it was shocking. I had no plan. I didn't eat, I couldn't. I just laid in my bed. I didn't know what to do. Getting what you want? In the way deemed best for you? It's like clicking up that roller coaster. Anticipation and terror. Up, down, turn, upside down, up, up, up, down; afraid and excited. I can't see the end. 

After years of the ferris wheel, the roller coaster is terrifying. No pattern for comfort, no routine to fall back on. Anticipating the same pattern only to watch as it spins out and turns, heads in a new direction, it's frightening.

Long before I was let go, I spoke to someone about my situation. The job I hated, which seemed too perfect to quit. He told me about patterns, specifically my patterns, With jobs. He told me that when a person gets a job, they dress nicely and give it their all, but eventually it wears on them, so their dress changes as does their attitude. And that's when you want to quit. You are as culpable as the job. He told me to change the pattern. And I did. Subconsciously, I guess, and consciously. I didn't give up. Though I had anxiety about walking through the door every morning, I refused to fall back on what I used to do. And my pattern changed. It put me in a new place. I have time to think. I have time.

I have no idea what I want to do next. But for now, I think I'll just throw my hands in the air and enjoy the ride.



Sarah Morris - Untitled - from Dulles (Capital) 2001